k_crow

I'm a little... dazed I guess is the best word for it.

Today's my birthday, and I'm now 26 years old. Goddess knows I did not expect to live to this age. No reason, just the feeling that I wouldn't.

The dazedness comes from a post made by technoshaman, talking about my wedding to lerryn and how coming up here to WA for it inspired him and jenkitty to move to Seattle from Atlanta.
( Not sure this'll all make sense )

I took Friday as a vacation day, because I seriously needed some time to myself, and time to prepare for the Game Day over at Sar/Runnerwolf/Damiana_Swan's place. I'm very glad I did, because Game Day was a lot more crowded than most of us expected it to be. I can't say I was entirely surprised, especially with all the folks who wanted to be able to meet jadine and dymaxion.

( Game Day shenanigans )

Something that's been on my mind today is how I see people. Even when I was very young, I was criticized for my views of which people I perceived as beautiful, and which ones I did not.

Even today, I'm aware that most of my beloveds do not quite match up to the 'normal' standards of beauty. (Honestly, the only person I've ever dated who my folks acknowledged as good looking is my husband.) I'm aware of this in the sense of knowing how they view their own looks, and the comparisons they make between their looks and what society says is beautiful. Also, over time I've learned what is considered attractive by talking with others who don't see as I do. It's like learning to recognize a pattern, one that may or may not correspond with what i perceive as beauty.

My best guess is that what I see isn't only the physical outside of someone. That what I see is also informed by the inner person. This gets very frustrating for me at times, most especially when one of my beloveds is unhappy with their physical self. I do my poor best to put into words how I see them, and it doesn't help. I know they need to find acceptance within before they can truly hear and acknowledge the acceptance I'm already giving them from without. It doesn't stop the pain of seeing someone who is blindingly beautiful to me hurting because they don't feel that way to themselves.

One of the most painful is talking with one beloved when zie's unhappy with zir body. i love this person for who zie is, for both the male aspect and the female aspect, and I can see the traits of both sides most of the time. Unfortunately, sometimes all zie sees is zir physical body, and how it doesn't match how zie wants to look. It's strange trying to tell someone about the physical traits their body has that differs from their apparent gender, and doing so in an affirming and loving way. Mostly because I know that while I may be reassuring and reinforcing one aspect, I may be hurting the feelings of the other aspect. *wry smile* Nah, my relationships aren't complicated. ;) And I wouldn't trade my relationship with zir for the world.