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k_crowI'm a little... dazed I guess is the best word for it.
Today's my birthday, and I'm now 26 years old. Goddess knows I did not expect to live to this age. No reason, just the feeling that I wouldn't.
The dazedness comes from a post made by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
technoshaman, talking about my wedding to lerryn and how coming up here to WA for it inspired him and jenkitty to move to Seattle from Atlanta.
Reading it brought back a crazy amount of memories. Everything from their wedding, which A helped to celebrate, and as I recall I got asked to be maid of honor at the last minute while helping Jenkitty get into her dress. (Y'know, that's two weddings now where I helped keep the bride calm and get into her wedding duds,aladriana's being the other one.) To my own wedding day, the video of which I watched for the first time just recently. Helping them get moved into their apartment, celebrating New Year's, and so forth. Memories flipping through my mind like calendar pages.
My mind stayed on the pleasant stuff, and I found myself sitting here at work with tears in my eyes.technoshaman and jenkitty used to be two people I counted as very good friends, and for a short and mixed-up time even more than that.
"Things fall apart, the center cannot hold..."
Things did fall apart, things went as badly wrong as I've ever had happen, and there hasn't been a day that's passed where I haven't ended up wondering what could've been done differently. I look back now, and it seems to me that there were just too many differences. We held different values, came from different cultures, had very different ways of communicating (when we managed communication at all), and different ideas about how a poly relationship should go. There was also my lack of experience, and lack of understanding what I wanted, and how best to ask for that. I didn't have as much of a spine in those times, and so when I did finally try and stand up for the things I wanted, I went about it in half-hearted ways, and ended up confusing the hell out of everybody, including myself.
I made mistakes, they made mistakes, and sometimes I find myself wondering what perspectives each of them has about what happened and how things fell apart. In the end, i learned the hard way that just because you can get along pretty well with someone as a friend that does not automatically mean you'll be well-suited as romantic partners and lovers.
I'm very glad to hear that despite all the pain and b.s. that they are both happy living up here. I love Seattle dearly, and the West Coast is my home. I'm glad both their lives have taken happier turns, and that they've found other good people to hang out with.
Thanks,technoshaman for the reminder of the memories, good and bad. Best these days that we all stay casual acquaintances I think. Too much trust lost on all sides for anything more than that, but given the community around us and all the people who are mutual friends, I think that can be enough.
Today's my birthday, and I'm now 26 years old. Goddess knows I did not expect to live to this age. No reason, just the feeling that I wouldn't.
The dazedness comes from a post made by
technoshaman, talking about my wedding to lerryn and how coming up here to WA for it inspired him and jenkitty to move to Seattle from Atlanta. Reading it brought back a crazy amount of memories. Everything from their wedding, which A helped to celebrate, and as I recall I got asked to be maid of honor at the last minute while helping Jenkitty get into her dress. (Y'know, that's two weddings now where I helped keep the bride calm and get into her wedding duds,
aladriana's being the other one.) To my own wedding day, the video of which I watched for the first time just recently. Helping them get moved into their apartment, celebrating New Year's, and so forth. Memories flipping through my mind like calendar pages.My mind stayed on the pleasant stuff, and I found myself sitting here at work with tears in my eyes.
technoshaman and jenkitty used to be two people I counted as very good friends, and for a short and mixed-up time even more than that. "Things fall apart, the center cannot hold..."
Things did fall apart, things went as badly wrong as I've ever had happen, and there hasn't been a day that's passed where I haven't ended up wondering what could've been done differently. I look back now, and it seems to me that there were just too many differences. We held different values, came from different cultures, had very different ways of communicating (when we managed communication at all), and different ideas about how a poly relationship should go. There was also my lack of experience, and lack of understanding what I wanted, and how best to ask for that. I didn't have as much of a spine in those times, and so when I did finally try and stand up for the things I wanted, I went about it in half-hearted ways, and ended up confusing the hell out of everybody, including myself.
I made mistakes, they made mistakes, and sometimes I find myself wondering what perspectives each of them has about what happened and how things fell apart. In the end, i learned the hard way that just because you can get along pretty well with someone as a friend that does not automatically mean you'll be well-suited as romantic partners and lovers.
I'm very glad to hear that despite all the pain and b.s. that they are both happy living up here. I love Seattle dearly, and the West Coast is my home. I'm glad both their lives have taken happier turns, and that they've found other good people to hang out with.
Thanks,
technoshaman for the reminder of the memories, good and bad. Best these days that we all stay casual acquaintances I think. Too much trust lost on all sides for anything more than that, but given the community around us and all the people who are mutual friends, I think that can be enough.
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no subject
Date: 2002-06-20 10:38 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-06-20 10:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-06-20 11:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-06-20 11:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-06-20 11:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-06-20 01:38 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-06-20 01:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-06-20 03:20 pm (UTC)Don't think we'll ever be able to go back to the way things were before, but I've learned the hard way that trying to dredge up and relive the past is usually a Bad Idea(tm).
Happy birthday, old friend. For what it's worth, I've got no hard feelings.
Re:
Date: 2002-06-21 09:00 pm (UTC)I don't want to try and go back to the way things were before. Going back doesn't work, I'd rather go forward and see what may be ahead.
Thank you. And I am glad to hear that. I did have hard feelings, a lot of them. Runnerwolf did a lot to help me work through stuff, and I've been doing more work with a different group.
no subject
Date: 2002-06-20 04:50 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-06-21 09:29 pm (UTC)Yay.
Date: 2002-06-20 06:34 pm (UTC)I'll admit to having peeked at your journal over the last couple of months.... and that the threads on self-honesty and guilt and starting to dig out of that over the last few days are what prompted me to offer the olive branch. We've both grown... and I think we can build some trust on that growth. I agree, I don't think we'll ever get back what we thought we had, for the simple reason that both of our plates are way too full these days.... but far too many of my relationships (and as for me, I've had far, far worse, as bad as it was for you) haven't had any sort of closure, and I'm not going to pass up the chance to, if not fix the damage, then at least plant a tree on the grave, as it were...
I'm going to go right now, and add you to my Friends list.... which is an act of trust, and something I don't do lightly. Maybe this will grow; maybe it won't. I'm a Taurus. I can be patient. Indeed, I have been. I know better than to do more, these days. But I have hope... and if nothing else, yes, some very good memories.
--
Shared pain is lessend; shared joy, increased.
Thus do we refute entropy.
-- Spider Robinson
Re: Yay.
Date: 2002-06-21 12:02 am (UTC)Re: Yay.
Date: 2002-06-21 09:39 pm (UTC)Re: Yay.
Date: 2002-06-21 09:28 pm (UTC)I'll admit, I wrote those entries more for myself, but I did wonder if either of you would see them and know what I was talking about. *smile* Yeah, my plate is very full these days. But I can honestly say that I've never been happier. There's still painful times. Change hurts, and isn't easy to adapt to, but I've been getting *lots* of practice. Closure would be a good thing. Planting a tree on the grave would be a good thing. You can't fix something like this without rewriting the past, which I've often found to not work too well. Doesn't mean we can't build something different.
I do agree with something Torrin said, that things can take time, and they always leak where the trust was lost. I know that'll be the case here. Thank you, for your gesture of trust. I hope you won't be offended that I'm not ready to make a reciprocal gesture just yet. There's still a lot I'm processing, a lot that I'm working out.
If there's one thing I do know, it's that I want to stop being so flinchy about you and jenkitty. I know there are people I count as friends who are also your friends, and who are very careful around me about what they say about the two of you. I've never liked that, but there was a time where I needed people to be that careful. Not sure where to go from here, but not wanting to rush into anything either. If nothing else, I hope these exchanges over lj can help heal things somewhat. *wry smile* I'll be glad when my shaman gets back from Peru. There's a lot I want to work on when she's recovered from her trip.
Re: Yay.
Date: 2002-06-22 07:53 am (UTC)Yeah, I think this space (LJ) is a good place to start building... it's a community, built so that we can be as safe as we want to be.
Shamans are happy things. Hmmm. Ever considered becoming one? If finding answers is what you want to do, that could be a good path...
(No, I don't consider myself one, not in that sense... but I've had enough of the training to realize that you might find it interesting... especially with your connection with animals...)
Here's to the future... whatever it brings.
Re: Yay.
Date: 2002-06-24 09:47 am (UTC)I've... I guess I could say that I've considered it. I do know the form of shamanism that Runnerwolf follows is not for me, though I've got a great deal of respect for it. Right now, I'm kinda betwixt and between when it comes to a particular path. Best I can say is, I wouldn't rule it out for the future.
*smile* To the future, growing ever out of the now.
no subject
Re:
Date: 2002-06-21 09:40 pm (UTC)