The past.

[k_crow]

I'm a little... dazed I guess is the best word for it.

Today's my birthday, and I'm now 26 years old. Goddess knows I did not expect to live to this age. No reason, just the feeling that I wouldn't.

The dazedness comes from a post made by technoshaman, talking about my wedding to lerryn and how coming up here to WA for it inspired him and jenkitty to move to Seattle from Atlanta.

Reading it brought back a crazy amount of memories. Everything from their wedding, which A helped to celebrate, and as I recall I got asked to be maid of honor at the last minute while helping Jenkitty get into her dress. (Y'know, that's two weddings now where I helped keep the bride calm and get into her wedding duds, aladriana's being the other one.) To my own wedding day, the video of which I watched for the first time just recently. Helping them get moved into their apartment, celebrating New Year's, and so forth. Memories flipping through my mind like calendar pages.

My mind stayed on the pleasant stuff, and I found myself sitting here at work with tears in my eyes. technoshaman and jenkitty used to be two people I counted as very good friends, and for a short and mixed-up time even more than that.

"Things fall apart, the center cannot hold..."

Things did fall apart, things went as badly wrong as I've ever had happen, and there hasn't been a day that's passed where I haven't ended up wondering what could've been done differently. I look back now, and it seems to me that there were just too many differences. We held different values, came from different cultures, had very different ways of communicating (when we managed communication at all), and different ideas about how a poly relationship should go. There was also my lack of experience, and lack of understanding what I wanted, and how best to ask for that. I didn't have as much of a spine in those times, and so when I did finally try and stand up for the things I wanted, I went about it in half-hearted ways, and ended up confusing the hell out of everybody, including myself.

I made mistakes, they made mistakes, and sometimes I find myself wondering what perspectives each of them has about what happened and how things fell apart. In the end, i learned the hard way that just because you can get along pretty well with someone as a friend that does not automatically mean you'll be well-suited as romantic partners and lovers.

I'm very glad to hear that despite all the pain and b.s. that they are both happy living up here. I love Seattle dearly, and the West Coast is my home. I'm glad both their lives have taken happier turns, and that they've found other good people to hang out with.

Thanks, technoshaman for the reminder of the memories, good and bad. Best these days that we all stay casual acquaintances I think. Too much trust lost on all sides for anything more than that, but given the community around us and all the people who are mutual friends, I think that can be enough.

Comments

[k-crow.livejournal.com]

*laugh* Thank you, Postvixen.