Some worries, some other thoughts.

[k_crow]

Heh, guess I'm trying to make up for not posting enough lately. ;)

One thing I found out this weekend, I've got some conditioning I need to reprogram in myself when it comes to public displays of affection. Runnerwolf and I wandered out for breakfast/brunch on Sunday. We'll note, this was to an IHOP knock off, Superbowl weekend and all that. So, lots of very 'normal' looking folks and their families. For some reason being around those kinds of folks made me feel much more self-conscious than usual. Especially when it came to reaching out and holding hands with Runnerwolf. I'm more than a little displeased with this response in myself.

I know part of what had me edgy was spotting a woman who works on the same floor as I do at a table very near us. Honestly, this shouldn't have made a difference. Yes, I'm not out at work. At the same time, this person is on a different team, and has always been stand-offish towards me. Modifying my behavior so as not to provide gossip fodder for her is silly, but I was doing so anyways.

*shakes head* I'm not sure how to get past this. I'm told it's not an uncommon response among folks who are bi or gay to feel inhibited about pda's when out in public. Still, I'm very proud of my relationship with Runnerwolf, and with all that she is to me. There are times I get deeply unhappy that I'm not completely out about being poly and bi. So this reaction is unsettling at best.

*wry smile* Though, to give myself some credit, we did talk during brunch about different topics that probably would've made a 'normal's hair stand on end, and I only felt a little self-conscious about that. That was less due to social pressures and more due to the personal nature of the discussion.

I know we were being watched and speculated about. I know that there were some expressions of disgust in our direction. And it's more than a little sad that I wondered at one point if the reason it took so long for someone to take our order was due to the busy-ness of the restaurant, or because of bigotry.

Anyways, the other random thought I wanted to share is on a completely different topic. I'm re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia, and have come across something odd. I'd read these books a lot when I was younger, I'm discovering I've got them damn near memorized. Yet, there's a difference in a character name. In _The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe_, Peter kills a wolf, Captain of the Secret Police of the White Witch. *I* remember the name of that wolf being Fenris Ulf. In the copy I'm reading now, the wolf's name is Maugrim. Anybody who has read the books able to help me on what they remember as the wolf's name? I'd appreciate it.

Comments

[jenkitty.livejournal.com]

I know exactly where you're coming from on the unease surrounding being "out." And it's weird. I'm actually more comfortable being at dinner with Glenn and JT for the "out factor" than with just jenk. I don't know why that is... maybe I'm just less comfortable publically identifying as lesbian. Or maybe it's because Glenn is there. Jen's wonderful about the whole thing, but I still feel really bad about it sometimes, that I'm not as comfortable being out with her than with the guys. I'm working on it, though. I had the same twitchiness with River whenever we were out, too.

Re:

[k-crow.livejournal.com]

*nod* Twitchy is a good word for the feeling. I'd say there is a difference when Sar and Runnerwolf and I are all going out together, but that mostly boils down to we're either not doing much in the way of pda's or we're at a particular Thai restaurant where we are "out". I understand feeling bad, I do too. It's funny, though, when Runnerwolf and I were going out before I wasn't nearly so nervous when we'd be walking around together at Crossroads... But that may be due to all the other poly folks who were around at the time... *shrug* Something to work on.