Some worries, some other thoughts.

[k_crow]

Heh, guess I'm trying to make up for not posting enough lately. ;)

One thing I found out this weekend, I've got some conditioning I need to reprogram in myself when it comes to public displays of affection. Runnerwolf and I wandered out for breakfast/brunch on Sunday. We'll note, this was to an IHOP knock off, Superbowl weekend and all that. So, lots of very 'normal' looking folks and their families. For some reason being around those kinds of folks made me feel much more self-conscious than usual. Especially when it came to reaching out and holding hands with Runnerwolf. I'm more than a little displeased with this response in myself.

I know part of what had me edgy was spotting a woman who works on the same floor as I do at a table very near us. Honestly, this shouldn't have made a difference. Yes, I'm not out at work. At the same time, this person is on a different team, and has always been stand-offish towards me. Modifying my behavior so as not to provide gossip fodder for her is silly, but I was doing so anyways.

*shakes head* I'm not sure how to get past this. I'm told it's not an uncommon response among folks who are bi or gay to feel inhibited about pda's when out in public. Still, I'm very proud of my relationship with Runnerwolf, and with all that she is to me. There are times I get deeply unhappy that I'm not completely out about being poly and bi. So this reaction is unsettling at best.

*wry smile* Though, to give myself some credit, we did talk during brunch about different topics that probably would've made a 'normal's hair stand on end, and I only felt a little self-conscious about that. That was less due to social pressures and more due to the personal nature of the discussion.

I know we were being watched and speculated about. I know that there were some expressions of disgust in our direction. And it's more than a little sad that I wondered at one point if the reason it took so long for someone to take our order was due to the busy-ness of the restaurant, or because of bigotry.

Anyways, the other random thought I wanted to share is on a completely different topic. I'm re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia, and have come across something odd. I'd read these books a lot when I was younger, I'm discovering I've got them damn near memorized. Yet, there's a difference in a character name. In _The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe_, Peter kills a wolf, Captain of the Secret Police of the White Witch. *I* remember the name of that wolf being Fenris Ulf. In the copy I'm reading now, the wolf's name is Maugrim. Anybody who has read the books able to help me on what they remember as the wolf's name? I'd appreciate it.

Comments

[hiddenriver.livejournal.com]

I remember the name as "Fenris Oaf". This came up very recently because our night-time story reading (currently Norse myths) mentioned a wolf with a similar name (Fen-something), and Doug and I both recalled Fenris from "Chronicles of Narnia".

[hiddenriver.livejournal.com]

Just found this at C.S. Lewis FAQ (http://www.rapidnet.com/~jbeard/bdm/exposes/lewis/cs-lewis.htm):

Is it true that there are differences in the British and American editions of the Narnia books?
Some very minor changes were made to The Lion ... and The Voyage ... for their American publication. For example, the name of the witch's agent is changed from "Maugrim" to "Fenris Ulf" and Peter's title from "Sir Peter Wolfs-Bane" to "Sir Peter Fenris-Bane." In the English edition, Aslan says that the Emperor's magic is written "in letters as deep as a spear is long on the fire-stones of the Secret Hill." In the American he says "in letters as deep as a spear is long on the trunk of the world ash-tree." The current (1994) Harper Collins American editions have been standardised with the English versions.

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[k-crow.livejournal.com]

*smile* Thank you! That explains why the title Peter was given sounded wrong to me, but I couldn't figure out why. I like the American version a bit better because it tied into the Norse mythology that I loved so much when I first found these books. Still, I'm very much enjoying the new edition, since it has all the books in one volume. :)

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[k-crow.livejournal.com]

*nod* Fenris is the name of the wolf in the Norse myths. Son of Loki, if I recall correctly. I think he was the one who was chained by the gods, and one of them (blanking on the name) had to put his hand in the wolf's mouth as a sign of good faith that they'd set him free. Since there was no intention of setting Fenris free, that god lost his hand.

[runnerwolf.livejournal.com]

The fact that this was just after 1:00 on a Sunday agfternoon (i.e. the after church crowd was in full swing), I was wearing a tank top that not only let my fresh tattoo breathe but also showed more cleavage than I normally do, all played a role in the murmurs as well as the fact that we were there very much together.

I paid some attention to how long it was taking for the "normals" too, and they weren't really getting much (if any) faster service than we were.

As for being uncertain, no sweat, I know how much you mean to me, and I have a decent idea of what I mean to you, and if there are times where it is uncomfortable to show that I can respect that, and acknowledge the difficulty for you. (remember I'm the one who is slowly sweating my dad coming out for a visit in June...)

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[k-crow.livejournal.com]

I was aware that the clothes we both were wearing played some role. You showing off the tattoo, me wearing ripped jeans and a lower-cut t-shirt. *grin* You were showing more cleavage than you normally do, but there were really no objections here to that. ;) (I'd say you weren't showing off that much cleavage, but I'd be concerned you'd take that entirely different than it was meant.)

That's good to know.

I just don't like it being a difficulty for me. Yeah, understood about the worry on seeing your dad in June. Still, he seemed like a pretty cool guy, and fairly oblivious. I know your step-mom is a bit more of a concern, but I don't think it'll be too much of a problem.

[dianthus.livejournal.com]

I'd heard rumours that the newest edition of Narnia had been edited to be more Christian.

[jenkitty.livejournal.com]

I know exactly where you're coming from on the unease surrounding being "out." And it's weird. I'm actually more comfortable being at dinner with Glenn and JT for the "out factor" than with just jenk. I don't know why that is... maybe I'm just less comfortable publically identifying as lesbian. Or maybe it's because Glenn is there. Jen's wonderful about the whole thing, but I still feel really bad about it sometimes, that I'm not as comfortable being out with her than with the guys. I'm working on it, though. I had the same twitchiness with River whenever we were out, too.

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[k-crow.livejournal.com]

*nod* Twitchy is a good word for the feeling. I'd say there is a difference when Sar and Runnerwolf and I are all going out together, but that mostly boils down to we're either not doing much in the way of pda's or we're at a particular Thai restaurant where we are "out". I understand feeling bad, I do too. It's funny, though, when Runnerwolf and I were going out before I wasn't nearly so nervous when we'd be walking around together at Crossroads... But that may be due to all the other poly folks who were around at the time... *shrug* Something to work on.