Anger.

[k_crow]

Replied to a post of Damiana_swan's, and thought I should post my answer here as well, since this sums up some of my views on anger. One thing I will note is that thi is how I deal with anger now. My views used to be a lot different when I was living with my mom and was dealing with anger of near-rage proportions on a daily basis.

Anger, for me, is fear going on the offense. I have yet to have a situation make me truly angry, where I am unable to find fear of one thing or another as a root cause.

How should it be treated? I dislike "shoulds" because everyone has different ways of dealing with their emotions. I have a "thou shalt not" when it comes to what I'll accept from others expressing their anger towards me. That is, someone could express their anger in X fashion, if they want to be thrown out of my life and never welcomed back. The "thou shalt not" is that no-one is allowed to strike me in anger. This most especially applies to anyone that I'm dating, but I'd have major issues with a friend who did this as well.

My way of dealing with anger, first and foremost I turn it inwards. I don't say this is a good thing, but it's usually safest. I don't have as short a temper as I used to, but if i'm pushed far enough, the inclination to strike out is there. Better to turn that inwards, and give myself time to get away from the situation and calm down. If this proves difficult, I'll find some way to vent the worst part of the anger in words. This usually involves either writing things out, or venting verbally to a friendly ear, preferably one who understands that what I say when venting does not constitute a "more honest" viewpoint, but a viewpoint influenced by too much emotion and not enough objective looking at the situation as a whole.

Then, I will try and talk to the person in question about my anger, what made me angry, and discuss how to deal with similar situations in the future. This last is the ideal way of doing things. However, there are times where I decide not to go back to the original person about my anger. There's a lot of factors that influence that, including whether or not I feel the person will listen to me, whether the matter I got angry over was important, or even if I feel the anger was entirely instigated by my own garbage and is simply something *I* need to work on.

I've had discussions about anger with my partners. I have let every one of them know that striking me in anger is crossing a line I will not forgive. I've vented to all of them at one time or another.

How do I deal with it when someone else's views differ from my own on what's appropriate? Usually communicate to them that I disagree with their views, and try to find some way of dealing with anger that comes up that we both can deal with. That, or not show that person any of the times they've made me angry, and walk away when they try and show anger towards me. So long as they don't strike out at me, this usually allows for the continuation of the friendship.

My concept of anger is fairly static. That is, my views on anger don't change much. I may adapt my expressions of it depending on who i'm dealing with, but my internal views don't shift that much. I still feel in my heart of hearts that expressing anger is wrong, and constitutes a failure on my part. However, I've come to terms with venting when needed, and even talking out anger when needed.

It takes my finding another's viewpoint on anger so persuasive that I shift my thinking. I'm still puzzled by differing views on anger. I know they exist, but I don't grok them at this time.