Ever have lots to post....

[k_crow]

In my case, it's because I've got a lot of little minor things going on in my head, and I'm not sure any of them warrant a post. The bigger things... well, they're not translating into words too well. I attempted a poem, and the words were okay, but they didn't capture the feelings too well. Annoying, that.

As I commented in krow's journal, people are finding what i write in here interesting. "Eep! Pressure to be interesting!" *cowers under covers* That about sums up my feelings when I discover people are focused on me. Well, that reaction and the one of, "No, no, see these other fascinating people I hang out with? Pay attention to them!" Which I suppose fits in with the whole lack of self-esteem thing that Sar noted can be frustrating at times. All I can, and did, say to that is I'm much better self-esteem-wise than I used to be.

I'm slowly realizing that all these fascinating people hang out with/talk with me because they find me pretty darn interesting too. There's still a great deal of disbelief attached to that realization, but at least it's there. Not too many years ago if anyone had tried to point out that I was interesting, I would've simply given them a blank and uncomprehending look. I think I internalized far too well the message that i was extremely boring. We'll note that little piece of work has been hanging around with me since elementary school, where most of the kids couldn't comprehend the vocabulary i was using most of the time.

Let's see, other minor bits. I did a massive cleaning of our bathroom last night. And I actually loaded a bunch of CDs into my CD player and listened to them while cleaning. At first I figured to just hit random, then decided to listen to each CD as a whole. I ended up listening to most of Meat Loaf's Bat Out of Hell II. (Yes, leannan_sidhe I'm still planning on passing that over to you at some point. Not sure when, though...) It's been a long time since I've listened to that CD all the way through. So many memories I have associated with the Bat I and Bat II albums. Mostly, they remind me very much of Alaric. Oh, there's other CDs and songs that I associate with him, but those two are so threaded through our time together that I can't detach them. Dancing at the Vampire Ball to I Would Do Anything For Love, him singing For Crying Out Loud to me in his living room, listening to the other songs time and again together.

He's been on my mind a lot lately. Reminders of times past, reminders of things that I hoped for with him, elements of dream and fantasy that never quite came true. I think the saddest thing is that, in the end, I was too blinded by my own romantic ideas to see him for who he was. Elric, Jareth, Eric, Beast, he was all these characters from fantasy to me, and not enough himself. It's something I have to fight in myself, seeing people through the lenses of fiction, instead of as the real and breathing people that stand before me.

We're having our annual fund-raising campaign for United Way of King County here at work. I'm doing a contribution of $5 per paycheck for the next year. I even designated my contribution to a particular agency this year. It's a small way to give back, after being gifted with so much in my life right now.

Have you ever looked into a mirror, and been surprised by what you see there? The other night I wasn't sleeping very well, and wandered into the bathroom. As I was washing my hands, I looked into the mirror, and it was like my self at 18 was suddenly watching me, amazed at this image of a woman standing there. Amazed to see an adult who is happy in her life, blessed by many strong and wonderful relationships of all sorts, growing in knowledge of her own abilities and what she wants to do with her life, able to deal better with change, and face the tests and challenges that force her to grow and learn. I never expected to become the person I am today, let alone the person I know I'm growing towards and becoming.

I expected not to live this long, to give up on life as a bad job, and not worth the living. I still get bad thoughts from time to time, impulses to end my life when things don't go exactly the way i want them to, but the biggest and best thing I've learned is that there's always more that's worth living for. There's always something around the corner that I couldn't have anticipated, and would've been very sad to miss.

Hmm, guess I had a few things to say after all. :)