Stories: First meeting.
Aug. 14th, 2002 01:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
k_crowso, I've been sitting here staring at the screen, off and on wondering where to begin. When you get right down to it, there's one person whose presence in my life truly laid the groundwork for who and where I am right now.
It's funny. I've heard it said that most people can look back at their lives and see the key decisions that led to where they are now. For me, at least sometimes, I know in the moment when someone is going to change my life in ways I can't begin to predict. The strongest of those feelings hit me on the day I met Alaric face to face.
I'll start with our original meeting, which was online. I was in one of the computer labs at Mills. I'd been introduced to an online chat format, known as icb, and had been hanging out there for a while. If nothing else, it gave me the chance to talk with males, which was something I missed. I've never gotten along well with other women, lots of possible reasons for that, but it's the subject for a different post. So, to this day I can't explain why I was so bound and determined to go to an all-women's college. Still, there I was at Mills, definitely feeling lonely for male conversation and companionship. (Nerdish males, thank you, the frat boys at nearby Berkeley drove me up a wall.)
I remember being in a group with my roomie Melissa, a guy going by the nick uni, and another person with the nick of Alaric. We were talking music, what groups we liked, what songs we thought were cool, etc. I mentioned how I loved the music from Meat Loaf, Bat Out of Hell II having just recently come out. Alaric sent me a private message, a /m, quoting one of the lines from the song Objects in the Rearview Mirror(May Appear Closer Than They Are). It's been ages, but I think the line was, o/~ And my father's eyes were blank, as he hit me again, and again, and again. o/~
I'm quite certain I turned pale, I know I was suddenly shaking, I was so scared. Because reading that line, I'd gotten a flash, a certainty, that this person was going to kill himself before the sun rose if I didn't do something to stop him. I think that was around 7 or 8pm, and I stayed in that lab and talked with him until 2am. Found out a lot about this person, including that he'd been feeling suicidal, and I was scared to leave when I finally did.
I remember checking between classes for an email from him, to see if he was on icb, etc. I was so relieved the next time I saw him online, and for the next few weeks we talked online a lot. I remember one of the biggest connections we made at the time was talking about poetry. We both wrote poems, and I was frankly envious of the ones he composed. He even told me about a poem of his that he'd recorded, accompanied by images selected to go with it on this one video. I was very interested in seeing this tape, and I remember hesitantly mentioning that there was a tv/vcr set-up there at my dorm. He lived about 40 miles away from Mills campus, but was willing to drive there to meet me.
I remember feeling absolutely dizzy with anticipation. I think he was supposed to show up around 1pm or so. He got there at 3pm. (This turned out to be not uncommon, given the traffic and his habits.) I remember pestering the heck out of the poor gal who was in the front office of our dorm, the one where people had to sign in. I'd just turned around from checking with her for the umpteenth time to see if i had a guest, when the front door opened.
I stared at him, he took off his sunglasses and stared at me, and I felt like I'd been hit by a bolt of lightning. This soundless explosion that hit me so hard I'm surprised I didn't fall down. Looking back, it makes sense that he had that much impact on me, given the role he would play in my life. At the time, I was simply stunned and bewildered. I think I managed to stammer out, "Alaric?" While this smooth and wonderful voice, enriched by a British accent, replied, "You.. must be Kelley."
I remember going back to my dorm room with him, talking about various things, including that I'd discovered that morning that the vcr was broken, which was okay, because he'd forgotten the tape. I remember him pulling out a cassette tape, and hearing Heather Alexander for the first time, singing 'Neverland'. We talked until it was dinner time, 'lissa having shown up at some point during this, and not being highly impressed with Alaric.
We ended up going to a place that served Afghani food, which I'd never had before, but was absolutely delicious. The first of many exotic foods that he introduced into my life. We discussed the tape of his poem, and he invited me back to his apartment to watch it. Yes, I know now, and knew then, that this was highly dangerous. I'd just met this person, knew nothing about him, but I felt absolutely and unquestioningly safe. I knew going back to his apartment would be okay. He hadn't touched me, made any kind of move on me, just talked with me for hours on end.
How to describe the impact of his apartment? Walking up the stairs, seeing the poster for the movie The Abyss on his front door. Walking in, and again dealing with a powerful impact, a feeling of coming home. Seeing the rack of swords on one wall, various bookcases, airbrushed pictures, sturdy and solid furniture that ran heavily to dark woods. I can't explain, but the feeling of welcome and belonging was overwhelming. We sat on the couch together, watching the video of his poem, me drinking it in like one starved.
We drove back to my dorm, and got there around midnight. I went to my room quickly to let 'lissa know I was okay. She was on the phone with one of her friends, and i said I'd be going back up front to say g'night to Alaric. Instead, we sat on the couch in the entrance room talking, and talking. At some point, who knows when, we kissed. I know at one point he lay down on that couch, and encouraged me to kinda curl up on his chest. I even fell asleep at one point, I was so comfortable. I apologized when I woke up, but he'd not minded and been very touched by my doing so. Finally around 6 or 7 in the morning, we agreed that he needed to get going and I needed to catch more sleep before class.
My heart hurt, it felt so full, seeing him drive off. I went to my room, and discovered a 3 page, virulent note from 'lissa about scaring her. She'd woken up around 3am, found me not there, and was certain I'd been raped, murdered, and left in a ditch somewhere. (We'll note, 'lissa and I mother-henned each other that whole year.) She called the RA to report me missing, who wandered over from the other wing of the dorm to talk to 'lissa and saw Alaric and I talking on the couch. She went back to her room, called 'lissa, and that's when that note was written. *wry smile* What can I say? My thoughts and focus were anywhere but on responsible stuff that night. So, that's the end of that beginning. Things didn't stay that wonderful and romantic, but for a while that relationship seemed to be everything I'd ever dreamed of.
It's funny. I've heard it said that most people can look back at their lives and see the key decisions that led to where they are now. For me, at least sometimes, I know in the moment when someone is going to change my life in ways I can't begin to predict. The strongest of those feelings hit me on the day I met Alaric face to face.
I'll start with our original meeting, which was online. I was in one of the computer labs at Mills. I'd been introduced to an online chat format, known as icb, and had been hanging out there for a while. If nothing else, it gave me the chance to talk with males, which was something I missed. I've never gotten along well with other women, lots of possible reasons for that, but it's the subject for a different post. So, to this day I can't explain why I was so bound and determined to go to an all-women's college. Still, there I was at Mills, definitely feeling lonely for male conversation and companionship. (Nerdish males, thank you, the frat boys at nearby Berkeley drove me up a wall.)
I remember being in a group with my roomie Melissa, a guy going by the nick uni, and another person with the nick of Alaric. We were talking music, what groups we liked, what songs we thought were cool, etc. I mentioned how I loved the music from Meat Loaf, Bat Out of Hell II having just recently come out. Alaric sent me a private message, a /m, quoting one of the lines from the song Objects in the Rearview Mirror(May Appear Closer Than They Are). It's been ages, but I think the line was, o/~ And my father's eyes were blank, as he hit me again, and again, and again. o/~
I'm quite certain I turned pale, I know I was suddenly shaking, I was so scared. Because reading that line, I'd gotten a flash, a certainty, that this person was going to kill himself before the sun rose if I didn't do something to stop him. I think that was around 7 or 8pm, and I stayed in that lab and talked with him until 2am. Found out a lot about this person, including that he'd been feeling suicidal, and I was scared to leave when I finally did.
I remember checking between classes for an email from him, to see if he was on icb, etc. I was so relieved the next time I saw him online, and for the next few weeks we talked online a lot. I remember one of the biggest connections we made at the time was talking about poetry. We both wrote poems, and I was frankly envious of the ones he composed. He even told me about a poem of his that he'd recorded, accompanied by images selected to go with it on this one video. I was very interested in seeing this tape, and I remember hesitantly mentioning that there was a tv/vcr set-up there at my dorm. He lived about 40 miles away from Mills campus, but was willing to drive there to meet me.
I remember feeling absolutely dizzy with anticipation. I think he was supposed to show up around 1pm or so. He got there at 3pm. (This turned out to be not uncommon, given the traffic and his habits.) I remember pestering the heck out of the poor gal who was in the front office of our dorm, the one where people had to sign in. I'd just turned around from checking with her for the umpteenth time to see if i had a guest, when the front door opened.
I stared at him, he took off his sunglasses and stared at me, and I felt like I'd been hit by a bolt of lightning. This soundless explosion that hit me so hard I'm surprised I didn't fall down. Looking back, it makes sense that he had that much impact on me, given the role he would play in my life. At the time, I was simply stunned and bewildered. I think I managed to stammer out, "Alaric?" While this smooth and wonderful voice, enriched by a British accent, replied, "You.. must be Kelley."
I remember going back to my dorm room with him, talking about various things, including that I'd discovered that morning that the vcr was broken, which was okay, because he'd forgotten the tape. I remember him pulling out a cassette tape, and hearing Heather Alexander for the first time, singing 'Neverland'. We talked until it was dinner time, 'lissa having shown up at some point during this, and not being highly impressed with Alaric.
We ended up going to a place that served Afghani food, which I'd never had before, but was absolutely delicious. The first of many exotic foods that he introduced into my life. We discussed the tape of his poem, and he invited me back to his apartment to watch it. Yes, I know now, and knew then, that this was highly dangerous. I'd just met this person, knew nothing about him, but I felt absolutely and unquestioningly safe. I knew going back to his apartment would be okay. He hadn't touched me, made any kind of move on me, just talked with me for hours on end.
How to describe the impact of his apartment? Walking up the stairs, seeing the poster for the movie The Abyss on his front door. Walking in, and again dealing with a powerful impact, a feeling of coming home. Seeing the rack of swords on one wall, various bookcases, airbrushed pictures, sturdy and solid furniture that ran heavily to dark woods. I can't explain, but the feeling of welcome and belonging was overwhelming. We sat on the couch together, watching the video of his poem, me drinking it in like one starved.
We drove back to my dorm, and got there around midnight. I went to my room quickly to let 'lissa know I was okay. She was on the phone with one of her friends, and i said I'd be going back up front to say g'night to Alaric. Instead, we sat on the couch in the entrance room talking, and talking. At some point, who knows when, we kissed. I know at one point he lay down on that couch, and encouraged me to kinda curl up on his chest. I even fell asleep at one point, I was so comfortable. I apologized when I woke up, but he'd not minded and been very touched by my doing so. Finally around 6 or 7 in the morning, we agreed that he needed to get going and I needed to catch more sleep before class.
My heart hurt, it felt so full, seeing him drive off. I went to my room, and discovered a 3 page, virulent note from 'lissa about scaring her. She'd woken up around 3am, found me not there, and was certain I'd been raped, murdered, and left in a ditch somewhere. (We'll note, 'lissa and I mother-henned each other that whole year.) She called the RA to report me missing, who wandered over from the other wing of the dorm to talk to 'lissa and saw Alaric and I talking on the couch. She went back to her room, called 'lissa, and that's when that note was written. *wry smile* What can I say? My thoughts and focus were anywhere but on responsible stuff that night. So, that's the end of that beginning. Things didn't stay that wonderful and romantic, but for a while that relationship seemed to be everything I'd ever dreamed of.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-14 04:37 pm (UTC)Poor chap. Last I checked he'd had to move in with Cymru's folks in North Carolina, having no place else left to go... I hope he's doing ok...
Re:
Date: 2002-08-16 04:46 pm (UTC)I hope so too. Haven't heard from nor spoken with him in a long long time, which is probably for the best all in all.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-14 11:19 pm (UTC)tragic and Byron-esque
Date: 2002-08-16 04:19 pm (UTC)BTW, for symnetry in all this, I introduced him to Heather and her music. (I've known her since she was in high school, and she was a member of SCA Dragon Run Household, of which I was one of the founders.)
I feel a little voyeuristic, reading this. But then, Kelley, I think we've always clicked a bit, so we're probably sister-souls. (I seem to get along with all the women in Alaric's life, whom I've met...)
Jilara
Re: tragic and Byron-esque
Date: 2002-08-16 04:41 pm (UTC)*smile* And I went on to introduce others to Heather's music, including Lerryn and his folks.
No worries on the voyeuristic, though I've often felt similar things reading other people's journals. Anything I put on here, I mean to share. I'm recording stuff for me, but I am aware of who is on my friends list and not, and if I really don't want to share something it ends up locked private.
We have clicked, agreed. I remember being very sad when we needed to stop being friends, or at least stop being in contact, for a while. I was and am very glad that you are on here, since hearing what's new in your life is fascinating to me. As for sister-souls... I feel very pleased at the thought. *smile*
Re: tragic and Byron-esque
I owe my own liking for Midnight Oil to him. I'd heard a couple of their songs, but wow, he had all their albums, and those guys were GREAT!
Jilara
Re: tragic and Byron-esque
Date: 2002-08-20 09:59 am (UTC)*smile* Hmm, I didn't end up listening to them much with him. Heart, Queen, Meat Loaf, various movie soundtracks, and others, but not Midnight Oil. He's also the person who convinced me to watch Babylon 5, introduced me to books by Heinlein, Spider Robinson, Julian May, etc. It's kinda scary, how much my world opened and expanded through the various things he introduced me to.