Random babblings.

OK, so, I've been wondering when I'd hear back from my mom. Answer: This afternoon, saying she will be able to get together with me tonight. So, I suggested a restaurant down in her neck of the woods, and will be headed there in a couple of hours.

And I'm scared, stressed, and doubting, second-guessing myself like crazy. I'm wondering why I couldn't leave well enough alone, etc, etc. It's the doubts attacking, again. Actually, I'm calmer now than I was when I first got her reply this afternoon. Then I was just monotonously repeating swear words. Now, I guess in large part since I was finally able to decide on a place to suggest we meet, I'm just waiting. Figuring at this point that the spirit will move me when I talk with her, and we'll see where it goes.

BTW, did Mercury go retrograde on us again? Just wondering, since my major attempts at clarifying things in my life and getting significant communication across tends to coincide with Mercury going retrograde. Do I believe in astrology? Yes and no. Mostly i look at it as another focus for precognitive abilities, like tarot cards or runes or whatever. One that I happen not to use, but that some friends of mine do, and it seems to work for them.

I mentioned poetry, right?

So, I haven't been writing many poems of late, but I did have one I wanted to post on here. Then I re-found a second I'd written a while ago that was better than I originally thought it, and wrote two more after work yesterday. Let's just say that my muse laughs at me a lot.

New Horizons
------------

Sometime I think my life has become change.
Ever-shifting, ever-moving,
Flowing to form new patterns.
Life moves, and moves me with it
Stirring up all I am
The core of my being rising and expanding
Exploding into bloom and ripening in an instant.
Not to wither or rot,
But to morph to the next stage of growth.
Even in this roiling turmoil,
Last weekend was a revelation.
Change sped up even more,
Leaving me gasping for breath, for balance.
Last night I lay fearful,
For the morrow brings assessment,
Time to examine the fallout from this new shift.
Knowing such great joy, and the potential for great sorrow.
I want this, to change and become ever more myself.
But even wanting this doesn't stop the fear
Of dark times and prices yet unknown.
Thank you, beloveds, for helping me grow.
And for the joy that makes me willing to face my future.
I love you.
4/1/02

Science Fiction?
----------------
"Do you know what it's like when telepaths make love?"
Is your ego strong enough, flexible enough, to encompass the reality of another's mind?
The shock, the totality fo knowing beyond mere words that you are NOT alone.
"It must be done lovingly."
Love shields you from the horror of what has gone before. Love cushions the shock of realizing the true depth of your aloneness, and its end. Love transforms the pain to joy.
"We are One."

Being You
---------

I watch you, and you flinch from my scrutiny.
The wonder, the awe, the love in my heart
Become bigger than words or meaningful expression.
So I let my gaze linger.
A glance, a pace, a turn,
Seeing you go through a daily routine
Seems the most inexpressibly intimate of moments.
Do you feel my thoughts?
Do you hear the sound of my cup overflowing?
At those times it's not lust you see in my eyes.
Just the desire to watch you,
Being you.
4/8/02

Compersion 1
------------

Being there, being near.
Feel/touch/taste sensing
All that flows between you.
Embraced, welcomed, surrounded, loved.
Being the kindling that restarts a larger fire.
Feeling the flowing, man into woman, woman into man,
As I lay beside, drinking in like one starved.
From that draught, overflowing with an emotion new.
Beyond me, beyond us,
Joy echoing and refuting the entropy.
I once believed that places
Where one experienced truest love
Were the growing places of forget-me-nots.
But where will they grow in a hotel room?
4/8/02

Talking with my mom.

Well, I just got back from going and talking with my mom, and then dragging my husband out to dinner with me because I didn't really eat much while I was talking with her. He'd already gotten dinner, but was more than willing to keep me company and hear how things went.

So, how did they go? Far better than I expected, actually. I truly feel like she and I did talk. Though, that included me doing a lot of, "No, Mom. I just said X, not Y." "No, X does not equal Y, please listen to what I'm saying." I brought up the various incidents in the past that stick out most in my mind and bring out the worst anger. She did acknowledge that they did happen, though her memory got rather vague on some of the worst stuff she said to me. There was a lot of, I don't remember saying that, but if you remember me doing so, I guess I did.

Since I've got the same habit of not remembering when I say cruel things and I'm under a lot of stress, I can't really throw stones. Though, these days I try to be a lot more careful of what I say to those around me. There were also times where she'd sarcastically say, "Well, I guess I just made bad choices all around, huh? I guess I didn't do anything right, did I?" Those were hard to deal with. I just sat there and didn't know how to reply to those comments. Other than pointing out that that wasn't what I'd said, and that she'd gotten a lot of stuff right, but I needed her to know about these things that had hurt me.

At one point I considered getting up and walking away, when she kept repeating that sarcasm. But I decided to stick things out, and see if I could steer this conversation somewhere better. We both admitted to one another that my choosing to move out and live with my dad was the best choice for me at the time, and that I'd hated myself for making that choice, and she'd hated herself for having to let me do so.

She said that things are better now for her and her then-boyfriend, now-husband. That he is no longer emotionally and mentally abusive, that he even lived apart from her for a year while they were in counselling. This was 3 years ago, and i don't recall any mention of it being made to me. But, that's neither here nor there.

For now, I've told her that I don't want to be around him except for holidays, and while she wasn't happy about that, she seemed to accept it. I have agreed to getting together with her every now and again. Though we did actually talk about my considering cutting off contact with her and each of us going our own ways. She asked me if that was what I wanted. I told her I'd considered it, but finally decided against that. So, every now and then we'll see about getting dinner together, maybe catching a movie when she's not flying. Basically, I decided to accept that this is a limited relationship, and that I'm okay with it being that way.

She did mention somethnig about not knowing how much longer she's going to be around. I guess she has high blood pressure, and blood pressure drugs aren't helping bring it down. (Her smoking probably doesn't help either, but that's a losing battle and I know it.)

Let's see, we also talked about the stuff she did to 'make up for' her flying and being away a lot. She was very unahppy to learn that several of the activities that she thought was 'for me', I felt I was more doing to make her happy than out of any significant interest on my part.

I guess all in all, I'm glad I was able to be so honest with her. I felt very good about how I was actively working at keeping the lines of communication open, and clearing up misunderstandings. I'm not ready at this point to try and come out to her about the other stuff in my life. However, I think we've now got a solid starting point for relating to each other as adults, and I feel a lot more respected and recognized as such.

So, I'm tired, but happy, and I really should get going and get showered and get to sleep and stuff. I just wanted to let you know how it all went, since I've been whining about this so much in my journal.