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k_crowo/~ The winter here's cold, and bitter...o/~
I'm feeling a bit down today. Several reasons for that, but the main one is a profound sense of alienation. I went hiking on Saturday with Sar and Lerryn. It was fun, it was wonderful, and I did 4.5 miles without anything later but some minor soreness and not even as much of that as I expected. At least, on the physical side.
I realized this afternoon that I had some trouble connecting to the woods during the hike. Just, I was there, but not feeling there the way I used to when I'd go into the forest. I don't know, and it is very hard to put into words. I guess the best expression of it is the realization that part of me is getting used to being downtown, to tolerating all the steel and concrete that is around me day in and day out. And that scares me. I don't want to be so comfortable being in a city that I'm no longer most 'home' when I'm in the woods.
I don't know what else I expected. After all, this was the first time I've been in the woods in months. And I can count the number of times I've been in forested wild areas in the past two years on my fingers. I'm just saddened by the detachment.
o/~ I know I can love you much better than this... Full of grace...o/~
I'm missing Runnerwolf, and wondering how she's doing. I know that she's probably enjoying herself greatly, and learning incredible things, but somehow knowing that she's miles away leaves a space in my life. It's silly really. I don't hear from her much during the week, and I'm more likely to see her at gaming than for any time for just the two of us. But no matter what I know she's only a few miles away, an hour's drive at most, and that's not true right now.
o/~ With all of the faith, and all of the courage, come and lift us from this place... o/~
Class this week was tough on me, and I'm finally admitting to myself that it was. It's bullsh*t, how difficult honesty can be, how draining. It shouldn't be like that, but we're not trained by our society to be honest. There's so much that the human heart and mind can conceal. The petty sins, the doubts, the vanities all seem inexpressibly dark and horrible to oneself, if one even dares to look in those dim and untidy corners of the psyche.
I admitted out loud to others some of my worst sins. The darknesses that haunt my own life. Not so much the stuff in my far past, but stuff only a few years old. Treating people I love in ways that were shabby, if not cruel. Letting my fears and obsessions override my good sense, and still smarting from the wounds that's left on me and those around me. Things that I know I need to face, and I truly don't know how.
How does one forgive betrayal? How does one forgive treachery? I don't know how to forgive this in those who have betrayed me. I can't at this time imagine how to forgive myself the betrayals I've done.
o/~ I know I can love you much better than this... o/~
I'm feeling a bit down today. Several reasons for that, but the main one is a profound sense of alienation. I went hiking on Saturday with Sar and Lerryn. It was fun, it was wonderful, and I did 4.5 miles without anything later but some minor soreness and not even as much of that as I expected. At least, on the physical side.
I realized this afternoon that I had some trouble connecting to the woods during the hike. Just, I was there, but not feeling there the way I used to when I'd go into the forest. I don't know, and it is very hard to put into words. I guess the best expression of it is the realization that part of me is getting used to being downtown, to tolerating all the steel and concrete that is around me day in and day out. And that scares me. I don't want to be so comfortable being in a city that I'm no longer most 'home' when I'm in the woods.
I don't know what else I expected. After all, this was the first time I've been in the woods in months. And I can count the number of times I've been in forested wild areas in the past two years on my fingers. I'm just saddened by the detachment.
o/~ I know I can love you much better than this... Full of grace...o/~
I'm missing Runnerwolf, and wondering how she's doing. I know that she's probably enjoying herself greatly, and learning incredible things, but somehow knowing that she's miles away leaves a space in my life. It's silly really. I don't hear from her much during the week, and I'm more likely to see her at gaming than for any time for just the two of us. But no matter what I know she's only a few miles away, an hour's drive at most, and that's not true right now.
o/~ With all of the faith, and all of the courage, come and lift us from this place... o/~
Class this week was tough on me, and I'm finally admitting to myself that it was. It's bullsh*t, how difficult honesty can be, how draining. It shouldn't be like that, but we're not trained by our society to be honest. There's so much that the human heart and mind can conceal. The petty sins, the doubts, the vanities all seem inexpressibly dark and horrible to oneself, if one even dares to look in those dim and untidy corners of the psyche.
I admitted out loud to others some of my worst sins. The darknesses that haunt my own life. Not so much the stuff in my far past, but stuff only a few years old. Treating people I love in ways that were shabby, if not cruel. Letting my fears and obsessions override my good sense, and still smarting from the wounds that's left on me and those around me. Things that I know I need to face, and I truly don't know how.
How does one forgive betrayal? How does one forgive treachery? I don't know how to forgive this in those who have betrayed me. I can't at this time imagine how to forgive myself the betrayals I've done.
o/~ I know I can love you much better than this... o/~
