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Thinking.
I've probably talked about this before, but it is one of the recurring themes of my life. I enjoy thinking. I enjoy new ideas, new perspectives, the hints and nudges that get me to look a little further beyond my own worldview.
This weekend has been a very good one for thinking and ideas. Saturday I had a date night with K, and we spent the vast majority of it talking about anything and everything. He's a wonderful listener, and I often find myself surprised by how much I talk when i'm with him, and how much doing so helps me clarify ideas that've been percolating in the back of my mind.
One thing that we talked about was my feeling that I've misplaced/buried a part of myself. This first came up in a session with runnerwolf almost as a side issue to the other stuff we were doing. But I've been dwelling on it more and more. The best translation of the feeling is that I've misplaced a way of thinking. When i was much younger, I thought as well as a human being, but not exactly like a human being. This gave me a lot of problems when it came to socializing with my peers, because I literally had to work to think like they did. The example that I gave K was how when I was younger I talked to trees, and rocks and streams and other natural stuff, but mostly to trees. I got along with and understood them much better than I did the other kids my age.
Now, according to society, I wasn't really talking with the trees, that was just my imagination. There aren't truly living sentient beings other than humans, and "Trees don't talk, don't be silly." I learned slowly, with many mental bumps and bruises to put away childish things, and learn to interact in human society. I'm not perfect at it still, but I fall much more within the accepted 'norms' than I used to.
But when I stepped outside of that mind-set, as when journeying with runnerwolf, I suddenly knew this sense of loss. This feeling of, "I used to do this, and was wiser for it." I've had that feeling for a while now, but couldn't pin down before exactly what it was I've lost. A way of thinking, a way of interacting with the world that could easily be considered nuts.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this yet. But i am glad to know what's gone missing, and that I now have a choice of doing something about it. Mostly i'm wondering if I can find a balance point between two very different ways of thinking. If I can reach equilibrium with both my 'fey' side, as I call it, and my 'social' side. *grin* More thinking.
Another wonderful thing was finding a new Theodore Sturgeon book yesterday. I needed reading material, since I'd left my books at home, so I stopped by Half-Price Books at Crossroads. It's a collection of his short stories called The Golden Helix, and I'm happily devouring the stories and trying to understand them. Probably won't grasp them entirely until I've re-read them many and several times, but that's a joy too.
Theodore Sturgeon and Robert Heinlein are two authors that I strongly wish I could've been able to meet while they were alive. It would have been nice to talk to them both to see in person how these fascinating minds worked, and to thank them for putting their ideas down on paper. I think it would be fair to say that their books have strongly influenced who I've been growing into, and my understanding of same.
One of the things I struggle with the most is finding words for things I feel and experience. I can get very frustrated when the words just aren't there, because it's near impossible to communicate something to another person without words. Both Sturgeon and Heinlein have helped me find words for things, and i feel I'm stronger for this.
This weekend has been a very good one for thinking and ideas. Saturday I had a date night with K, and we spent the vast majority of it talking about anything and everything. He's a wonderful listener, and I often find myself surprised by how much I talk when i'm with him, and how much doing so helps me clarify ideas that've been percolating in the back of my mind.
One thing that we talked about was my feeling that I've misplaced/buried a part of myself. This first came up in a session with runnerwolf almost as a side issue to the other stuff we were doing. But I've been dwelling on it more and more. The best translation of the feeling is that I've misplaced a way of thinking. When i was much younger, I thought as well as a human being, but not exactly like a human being. This gave me a lot of problems when it came to socializing with my peers, because I literally had to work to think like they did. The example that I gave K was how when I was younger I talked to trees, and rocks and streams and other natural stuff, but mostly to trees. I got along with and understood them much better than I did the other kids my age.
Now, according to society, I wasn't really talking with the trees, that was just my imagination. There aren't truly living sentient beings other than humans, and "Trees don't talk, don't be silly." I learned slowly, with many mental bumps and bruises to put away childish things, and learn to interact in human society. I'm not perfect at it still, but I fall much more within the accepted 'norms' than I used to.
But when I stepped outside of that mind-set, as when journeying with runnerwolf, I suddenly knew this sense of loss. This feeling of, "I used to do this, and was wiser for it." I've had that feeling for a while now, but couldn't pin down before exactly what it was I've lost. A way of thinking, a way of interacting with the world that could easily be considered nuts.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this yet. But i am glad to know what's gone missing, and that I now have a choice of doing something about it. Mostly i'm wondering if I can find a balance point between two very different ways of thinking. If I can reach equilibrium with both my 'fey' side, as I call it, and my 'social' side. *grin* More thinking.
Another wonderful thing was finding a new Theodore Sturgeon book yesterday. I needed reading material, since I'd left my books at home, so I stopped by Half-Price Books at Crossroads. It's a collection of his short stories called The Golden Helix, and I'm happily devouring the stories and trying to understand them. Probably won't grasp them entirely until I've re-read them many and several times, but that's a joy too.
Theodore Sturgeon and Robert Heinlein are two authors that I strongly wish I could've been able to meet while they were alive. It would have been nice to talk to them both to see in person how these fascinating minds worked, and to thank them for putting their ideas down on paper. I think it would be fair to say that their books have strongly influenced who I've been growing into, and my understanding of same.
One of the things I struggle with the most is finding words for things I feel and experience. I can get very frustrated when the words just aren't there, because it's near impossible to communicate something to another person without words. Both Sturgeon and Heinlein have helped me find words for things, and i feel I'm stronger for this.