The past.

Jun. 20th, 2002 08:55 am
k_crow: (Default)
I'm a little... dazed I guess is the best word for it.

Today's my birthday, and I'm now 26 years old. Goddess knows I did not expect to live to this age. No reason, just the feeling that I wouldn't.

The dazedness comes from a post made by [livejournal.com profile] technoshaman, talking about my wedding to [livejournal.com profile] lerryn and how coming up here to WA for it inspired him and [livejournal.com profile] jenkitty to move to Seattle from Atlanta.
Not sure this'll all make sense )

Unknowns

Jun. 17th, 2002 12:48 pm
k_crow: (Default)
o/~ The winter here's cold, and bitter...o/~
Warning:Painful ramblings ahead )
k_crow: (fantasy)
Well, I'd seen these customizable Lego people first on [livejournal.com profile] clairaide's journal. Saturday morning while [livejournal.com profile] lerryn was still sleeping I refound her entry that had a link to the website, and started playing around with it. Initially I was going to just do a regular portrait, and then I found all kinds of things I could add to it that would be symbolic of different aspects of me, whcih made for a rather funky looking picture, but I'm pretty happy with it.

Explanation )
k_crow: (Default)
Okay, I was feeling stressed and headachy and hurting a bit ago. But i"m doing better now. I'm looking at these glorious dark clouds out the window, and feeling my spirits lift.

Yes, this is going to sound odd, but there's been too much sunlight lately. I need the restful feel of dark clouds, water pouring down in droplets. The soundest sleep, with the best dreams usually happens when it's raining outside my windows. Rain also helps me fall asleep faster than usual.

Some of my happiest memories are associated with rain. There was one time where [livejournal.com profile] lerryn and I got caught in a rainstorm after a volleyball game in college. Both of us positively drenched, and me wearing a white shirt that turned translucent. Oops. ;) We had fun warming up later in his dorm room, but the walking in the rain itself was exhilerating. There was also a warm rain on our honeymoon. Standing in this park, no one else around, being playful and enjoying the rain.

People've asked me how I can stand to live in the Northwest, with all the rain. I love the climate, I love the weather, and I especially love the rain.

Thinking.

Jun. 3rd, 2002 12:45 pm
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I've probably talked about this before, but it is one of the recurring themes of my life. I enjoy thinking. I enjoy new ideas, new perspectives, the hints and nudges that get me to look a little further beyond my own worldview.

More thoughts )
k_crow: (Default)
I took Friday as a vacation day, because I seriously needed some time to myself, and time to prepare for the Game Day over at Sar/Runnerwolf/Damiana_Swan's place. I'm very glad I did, because Game Day was a lot more crowded than most of us expected it to be. I can't say I was entirely surprised, especially with all the folks who wanted to be able to meet [livejournal.com profile] jadine and [livejournal.com profile] dymaxion.

Game Day shenanigans )
k_crow: (Default)
Well, today's quite a contrast from my last post. Today I'm feeling very up, very happy, and glad to be alive. Why? Partly because of staying home yesterday. Partly because the sun's shining and the day is gorgeous. Partly because the one partner I had even the beginnings of a misunderstanding with cleared that up with me today.

The biggest part though is because of my date last night. One thing that most of my partners learn about me sooner or later, talking, especially about troubles or some deep subject, is almost more satisfying to me than anything else. I love talking with someone and the 'growing closer' that results from it. When I date someone, it's because I want to learn more about who that person is, and I'm humbled when they want to get to know who I am in return. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex a great deal. In all its myriad forms, sex allows for a nonverbal 'growing closer' that nothing else can touch. But if I can't hold a decent conversation with someone before and after (I'm usually a bit too incoherent during), what's the point?

The part of our talking last night that still has me feeling very thoughtful was about potentials. It's kind of scary when someone has grown close enough to see that deeply into you, who can help drag out to the forefront something you were hiding from yourself. (I know, I'm being obscure, that's where my comfort level is at the moment.) Part of me is overjoyed, because if those potentials can be seen by someone else, than I'm not just imagining them. Part of me is scared, knowing that if those potentials are real, then eventually I'm either going to have to do something about them, which will involve a *HUGE* shake-up of my life, or bury them completely, which will in effect being denying part of who and what I am.

I don't want to deny who I am. I want to live my life growing and changing and becoming more myself as the years pass. So, we'll see where this goes. I do love living my life and discovering where my path leads, just change is scary, and not easy to face at times.

Restless.

May. 8th, 2002 01:58 pm
k_crow: (Default)
My brain's darting in various directions today. No focus for longer than a few minutes, but it keeps coming back to certan subjects.

Part of it was my dream this morning. Lately I haven't been remembering details of my dreams, just who they are about. I was dreaming about A. this morning, someone I once loved beyond all reason and rational thought. I've been having a lot of reminders about him today. At least, I've been noticing a lot of things that remind me of him and the good times we had, and I wince and go on.

So, he's one subject. The other subject is safety. I just finished reading an article talking about how rural areas aren't as safe as they are reputed to be. Today I just keep feeling this impulse to grab some poor unsuspecting coworker, shake them and shout how nowhere is safe!

I think I'll rant here instead. I've got zero interest in being fired at this point in time.

Safety is an illusion. People think they are safe in crowds, safe in well-lit areas, safe in their homes, cars, other personal spaces. It really isn't true, and I'm painfully aware of this fact. Why? When I was 16 I was working in a crowded, well-lit grocery store. I stayed late to help bag up two very full shopping carts worth of groceries. I noticed the person when he came in the door. I even noticed when he came up behind the place I was working. Believe me, he had my full and undivided attention when he put the knife to my throat.

So, he got the money out of the till, dragged me outside the store, and then ran off without hurting me. They even caught him, and I heard that he'd served at least some amount of jail time.

Since that time, I don't assume that anywhere is safe. I don't assume that any place I go, any precaution I take will insure my safety. Sometimes this means I'm hyperalert, even when the situation doesn't exactly call for it. Sometimes, this means that I ignore my surroundings, because protecting myself, staying alert, isn't necessarily going to mean anything other than I'll see the bastard coming.

I've been told by people I respect in this matter that I did everything I could, and that i did everything right. No one was hurt, the guy didn't get away with anything. But i was hurt, and he got away with any chance of my taking my safety for granted again. Why is this bugging me so bad now? Because it's early May, and while I don't want to go and look up the exact date again, that's when it happened. A Thursday night in early May.

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