Well, today's quite a contrast from my last post. Today I'm feeling very up, very happy, and glad to be alive. Why? Partly because of staying home yesterday. Partly because the sun's shining and the day is gorgeous. Partly because the one partner I had even the beginnings of a misunderstanding with cleared that up with me today.
The biggest part though is because of my date last night. One thing that most of my partners learn about me sooner or later, talking, especially about troubles or some deep subject, is almost more satisfying to me than anything else. I love talking with someone and the 'growing closer' that results from it. When I date someone, it's because I want to learn more about who that person is, and I'm humbled when they want to get to know who I am in return. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex a great deal. In all its myriad forms, sex allows for a nonverbal 'growing closer' that nothing else can touch. But if I can't hold a decent conversation with someone before and after (I'm usually a bit too incoherent during), what's the point?
The part of our talking last night that still has me feeling very thoughtful was about potentials. It's kind of scary when someone has grown close enough to see that deeply into you, who can help drag out to the forefront something you were hiding from yourself. (I know, I'm being obscure, that's where my comfort level is at the moment.) Part of me is overjoyed, because if those potentials can be seen by someone else, than I'm not just imagining them. Part of me is scared, knowing that if those potentials are real, then eventually I'm either going to have to do something about them, which will involve a *HUGE* shake-up of my life, or bury them completely, which will in effect being denying part of who and what I am.
I don't want to deny who I am. I want to live my life growing and changing and becoming more myself as the years pass. So, we'll see where this goes. I do love living my life and discovering where my path leads, just change is scary, and not easy to face at times.