"Home away from home"

Sep. 22nd, 2017 03:07 am
rosefox: A bearded man in a yarmulke shouting L'CHAIM! (Judaism)
[personal profile] rosefox
Selichot )

Rosh Hashanah )

It's genuinely disorienting to encounter all these spaces where I don't have to educate anyone or fight to be seen for who I am. Other people have already done that work, and leaders have clearly been receptive to it. (Rabbi Lippman is queer, but I don't assume that cis queer people will be welcoming to or understanding of trans people, especially nonbinary trans people.) I get to just show up and be a human being in human community. What an immense privilege. What a gift. Honestly, that might be the thing that gets me to stick with this—just the pure pleasure of being in a place where I didn't personally have to claw out a space for myself.

Josh met me and Kit in the park and we walked for a while (GMaps Pedometer says I walked 3.2 miles today, most of it pushing a heavy stroller with a heavy toddler; my feet and arms are very tired). I teased him that he should be glad I didn't make him meet the rabbi. But this is my thing, really. Maybe it's my latest three-month hobby. Maybe it'll be more than that. We'll see.
yam: (Clinic doll)
[personal profile] yam
HOORAY! My fiddler is on an airplane heading to my house EVEN AS WE SPEAK well she might be on the ground making a connection but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I'm going all out and changing the sheets and possibly remembering to empty the garbage, because I got my Brownie Hostess badge, baby.

BOO! Sammy has developed a taste for cables. Every cable. He has eaten 3? 4? headphones and one mouse and one 3DS charger. I have a bluetooth mouse now, which is a little weird, but at least will not be displayed proudly covered in saliva on my pillow I ASSUME. Fortunately I had an extra DS charger because I keep accidentally stealing them from Seanan. (Sorry!)

HOORAY! I'm at work and it makes me feel so good. I'm an expert and I'm ON and I'm really good at my job and I have energy and a bounce in my step and I can forget for a while about being my headache. On Sundays I'm euphoric and even feel like I'm faking my disability. Mondays are harder, I'm still enjoying the heck out of work but feeling the strain and counting the hours and am relieved to close up shop.

BOO! ...and Tuesdays any feeling of being a faker are gone, as I spend the whole day at minimum being flat-out exhausted, having headache exacerbation, blah blah blah, alternating sleepy pain and painful sleep. It's all one headache now, it gets better or worse, but never goes away.

YAY! My pain control is a little better this month! I got switched from *drug that is rendered less potent by other drugs I'm on* to *drug that doesn't have an interaction*.

BOO! ...which is probably only a temporary improvement, though. This is a drug that you grow tolerant to, and I flat out can't follow it up in dose and keep working. So I'm using it now until it stops helping and then... it's me and advil, I guess. And waiting for new migraine drugs to hit the market. My neurologist has me in her jar of patients she can't wait to spring the new stuff on once it gets through regulatory approval.

Well that was a depressing little streak of points. Today is Sunday at work and I'm at euphoric still, I can do better!

YAY! Today is a particularly good day for patients coming in at the perfect time for long uninterrupted chats. I found a way to make two broken insulin pens in to one working pen so my patient would be covered until the replacement pens arrive. Someone coming in with a question about a drug selected at random from the shelf - they actually wanted to chat about their feelings as they await the birth of their second child after the first died of cancer, with someone outside the house. Talking a patient with dementia down from a panic attack over the phone. Their medication stopped six months ago but they don't remember that part, and we have this chat from time to time, on days when they remember that I'm their pharmacist. Giving some pneumonia shots. Flu shot season is coming, just one more month to wait!!! Other than that last stabby part, none of this really has anything to do with what I learned in pharmacy school. But I'm so happy my pharmacy ticket puts me in a place where people trust me with all these little confidences and burdens and services. I feel like a shrine maiden, like the work moves through me. If that makes sense.

I mean, and sometimes I'm just disposing of gross expired vitamins and cashing out my till and losing count when I'm counting 500 prednisone tablets and it's work and it's sure good they pay me. It's not all epiphanies and florence nightingale all up in here.

YAY! Employee. Discount. Hallowe'en. Candy.

YAY! Rain!!!

BOO! I forgot a rain jacket!

YAY! But whatever RAIN I MISSED YOOOOOOU

YAY! DID I MENTION I GET A FIDDLER TONIGHT BECAUSE DANG YO

YAY! Greg. We've been reading the Oz books - we're nearly done book 9 - and he's been asking for me to "do the voices" when I read and he is SO CRACKED UP by my silly voices. The way he begs for extra chapters. The way he reads other books on his own, ravenously. The way he runs in to my room to share random facts with me. The way he mournfully affects instant great tiredness when he doesn't want to clean up a mess / leave Gramma's house / whatever. On Friday my dad said no to making a whole separate dinner for him from the one that was already on offer, and Greg said in a sorry lamenting pout: "Go on your merry way, thennnnn." I just about died laughing. The way he sometimes sneaks out of bed after I've tucked him in, and then I find him passed out by the window where he was looking at the moon, or asleep at the foot of my bed, cuddled up to my feet. <3 <3 <3 <3

YAY! I have stopped the cats from going outside the litter box!

BOO! By putting an extra litter pan in the front hall, because apparently what PLEASES THEM BEST IN THE WORLD is to pee and shit where everyone can watch. Like, they both look around to MAKE SURE I'M WATCHING and proudly do their thing. Uhhhh. Thanks? Dear visitors: I'm very sorry that you must cross the poobicon as you enter my apartment. But it beats finding cat presents in my shoes.

YAY! But at least they're cute. And so, so cuddly. Sammy wiggles up through my blankets to my face like a... blanket sandworm? I'm not sure what the right analogy is here. It's adorable anyway and he doesn't have... lamprey teeth?

I'M GOING TO QUIT BEFORE I OUTDO LAMPREY TEETH

(no subject)

Sep. 16th, 2017 08:46 pm
glitch25: (Default)
[personal profile] glitch25
It is strange to be in a situation where I both feel too old and yet too young. We decided to head out to see a local hot club band playing up in Lake Forest Park, and one of the things I noticed immediately was that most of the audience is 10 or several more years my senior. For this sort of music, and lots of jazz and other things I go to see, this doesn't necessarily surprise me.

I remember when I went to see the Dave Brubeck quartet when they passed through Albuquerque not quite 30 years ago. I was 18, and most of the audience was at least 40 or 50. It was interesting watching these older guys clutching their vinyl hoping to get an autograph. I found it cool that I was interested in the band at such an age, and I didn't care too much that I didn't know anybody my age that would have appreciated it. We all definitely enjoyed the concert, and we each got our turn meeting Dave back stage. :-)

Along those lines, I noticed that there is a 20-something group here that looks to be having a grand old time dancing and otherwise really enjoying the music. It is fun to watch them, and they also make me feel a little old. Old in that I was too shy and too wound up in my head to have these sorts of experiences when I was that age, and while this old dog can still learn a few new tricks, I feel like I have a lot less disposable time in my life than I did back then. Funny how that is.

Sometime in the future, I think I need to find a dance teacher that will give me some extended one-on-one time. We tried dance lessons at one of those weeknight classes they have at one of the dance studios with a dozen or so people, and while they were ok, they are kinda rushed, and I found it embarrassing to try and dance with a partner (particularly when we'd switch it up beyond the person I came with) when I really didn't have a good grasp of the steps. I felt like I was wasting their class time stumbling through. Maybe ultimately I wasn't, but I remember having a rough time with that part.

Things to plan time to do. :)
rosefox: A man's head with a panel open to show gears, and another man looking inside. (examined head)
[personal profile] rosefox
I don't want to write another huge long entry tonight, because last night's took 90 minutes and then I went to bed super late, but I do want to leave myself some quick notes on a thing. When Kit was off from daycare for a week, I was up and dressed by 11 every morning so I could do childcare. I put on real clothes and left the house every day. I did social things and I did actively fun things (not what I'm coming to think of as enjoyable sloth things, like playing video games or hanging out on Slack). My body and brain were engaged. I felt GREAT. I enjoyed every day and ended the week feeling like I'd been on vacation—like I'd gone on a holiday to New York and done all those things I'm always too busy or tired or whatever to do. And I did it while working (at night) and staying totally on top of my deadlines, even the ones accelerated by the holiday.

So I need to figure out how to do that more. I hoped a week of early rising would reset my body clock but of course I'm right back to going to bed at 5 a.m. (or later—Monday morning I went to bed at half past nine, which is not okay and has set me up for feeling like crap all week) so I will have to work on that part because I think it's pretty essential. Having something fun to get up for really helped, a thing that has been true going back to my childhood; I would be late to school every weekday morning for months but happily get up at dawn on a weekend to go to the Stormville flea market with my mother. Even more crucially, I would care enough to go to bed early—a thing I did during Kit's week off too—so that getting up early didn't wreck me and wreck the event I was looking forward to.

I don't think I can get up before 10 on a regular basis, but if I got up at 10 or 10:30 to be out the door by 11 for a ~12:00 thing someplace, that sounds doable. It just has to be a fun thing. I have an OT appointment at 13:00 and I genuinely enjoy OT in addition to it being kind of vital for my health and well-being, but it's not the exhilarating kind of fun, so going to bed early and getting up early and getting there on time are all challenging.

What are exuberant fun things that could happen around noon? I think I need something where I'm making a commitment to someone else, at least at first; I've tried setting schedules through sheer willpower before and it's never worked out. Lunches with friends? Classes of some kind? (Ideally free or cheap ones.) Swapping language lessons with someone who wants to improve their spoken or written English and help me learn to read kanji or sign ASL? A teaching or tutoring gig? (Maybe the local library needs volunteers in their adult learning center. I've sent them a note.) A crafting meetup? A chorus or other singing group? A walking club? Doing storytime or otherwise helping out at Kit's daycare? It doesn't need to be a big thing or a long thing or a very structured thing. It just has to start at around the right time of day and get me out of the house and engage my body and mind and bring me real joy. Nothing will do that as well as time with Kit, but some approximation should be possible. Suggestions are very welcome, keeping in mind that I used to write the learning section of the nonsense nyc weekly events newsletter and already know about basically every source of free and cheap educational experiences in the city. :)

(no subject)

Sep. 11th, 2017 09:17 am
glitch25: (Default)
[personal profile] glitch25
Every time I come here to look to write, I get overwhelmed by the volume of things I want to write about. I think the solution is to just make a list somewhere so I don't forget anything, and then just knock out a topic or two at a time. Seems like a workable idea, no? :-)

A lot of what has been on my mind is the state of the world lately. Not just politically, but the fact that the change in season is bringing about pretty hefty storms and fires and earthquakes and lots of the like, and a lot of people out there are suffering as a result. We are fortunate that our local impact is minimal. Obviously, even the smoke we've been having from the local fires has been minimal compared to the dealings of others more directly affected. But as always, it's a reminder to be grateful, and also a reminder to work on being prepared for troubles as they might come.

Sometimes, that preparation is just living with the idea that things can happen rather than ducking our heads in the sand and denying the possibility. By acknowledging that things can happen, that already puts us in a better place. Then even just thinking about what we would realistically do is another better place. Better to have thought about it and avoid the initial shock of disbelief when it happens than deal with the emotional trauma of the break in reality from our own self-created delusion. Beyond those things, sky is the limit on preparing. Red Cross makes lists of basics, and beyond that, sometimes it is helpful to include it in your day to day planning by adding a little extra storage-capable food in your weekly grocery shopping (things you either already eat or would eat). Also, try saving towards your upcoming bills and building up that essential bills pad. Not all bad things come in global sizes. Sometimes planning for something simple as losing your job puts you ahead of the game should that happen.

These preparation ideas are probably mostly for those who are privileged enough to be able to do these things. Others may have a more difficult time with these, and in fact may already be living their own crisis. So.. take advantage of your preparations and help others as they request and as you are able. It is the right thing to do. We are all humans and we all deserve to succeed. Lifting each other up makes us all better.

Stay safe, prepare, live, and love. <3

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